He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
