do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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