You can't special order awesome
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
