Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
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