So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
