the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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