My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
The beer is more important than you right now.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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