How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
