i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
