A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
