By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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