i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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