Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
