I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
