Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
