She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
