The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
