Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
