I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
