is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
