I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
