Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
