Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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