some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I'm jealous of your bromance
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
