apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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