Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
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