i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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