You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
