bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
