My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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