new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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