i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
