need another drink. this is the easiest way
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
