This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
