I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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