Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
