i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
