I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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