Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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