1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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