My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
