my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
