College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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