I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
