That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
