EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Randomize
