I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
