I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
