In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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