she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm always down for nudity.
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